UGH... just Ugh...

So I haven't posted in a while. I have as been very usual busy.

Today I feel it is necessary to write something so I get it off my mind & maybe just maybe can function normally today.
Infertility sucks. That's all I can say about it. It sucks big time.
We went to see Dr Stewart today because he said we couldn't do anything else treatment wise until we saw him. Our next step in this journey is IVF, then adoption.
Those 3 letters IVF scare me, make me nervous, make me hopeful, but more just piss me off that we have to even consider that drastic a measure to have a baby. Infertility isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, but infertility really isn't fair! I have waited long enough, I have prayed, I have asked for prayers, I have done all the meds, all the treatments, the testing, everything I am suppose to do. I followed the old wives tales I have heard that are suppose to help in conceiving... & still no baby....
There are 15 yr olds that don't know the first thing about getting pregnant, having a baby, raising a child , that have no problems getting pregnant(repeatedly), there are crack heads that have less trouble getting pregnant, people who can barley be responsible for them self & they add a baby(or babies) to the equation.
Can you tell I am just a bit bitter about this. Maybe this is why God has decided its not time yet. Clearly I have some issues I need to work out.

So back to Dr Stewart & our visit today.... Pretty much our conversation was like this...
Dr S: Good morning, do you want to discuss IVF?
John & I: Yes. (Me instantly tearing up)
DR S: let me get tissues before we start
Me: crying
Dr S: Basically we cant do anything until you loose weight.
Me: crying
Dr S: Your weight could be why you had the loss last time.
Me: crying -my heart breaks anytime the Drs bring up the miscarriage. Or course this means the water works also are in full force.
Dr S: explaining the IVF procedure & the risk involved with me being over weight.
Then telling me that if I was to get pregnant that my health & the babies health could be at risk. Which could cause a c-section, which could mean even more risks.
Me: crying
Dr S: I suggest Lap band surgery to help with you loosing weight.
Me: crying
Dr S: Do you have any questions?
Me : crying, shook my head no
John: asked a few questions, but it was all kind of a blur to me. I was really just numb.

I knew this was what was going to happen today. I knew it would be loose weight or its just not going to happen, was going to come out of his mouth.

I am angry. At myself for ignoring my weight for so long & not doing something about it sooner. Angry at the Drs for not discussing this with us sooner rather than waiting for so many months of IUI's to hit me with reality.
I dont want to even consider Lap Band. John & I have been to a seminar about it(he has been to several) & it just isnt something I am willing to consider. I would rather work harder & loose slower with weight watchers & do that the rest of my life than be restricted to eating 4 bites of food(certain foods) for the rest of my life.
So I am going to enjoy thanksgiving then go back to weight watchers sign up again, dust off & use my $1300 treadmill in my basement, & loose the weight the Dr wants me to loose.
Failing isnt an option this time.

So my goal is to loose weight & deal with some of the anger issues have related to the infertility. Not sure still how to deal with the anger side of all this but I have to do something. Its taking over & I am tired of being angry & fat.