UGH... just Ugh...

So I haven't posted in a while. I have as been very usual busy.

Today I feel it is necessary to write something so I get it off my mind & maybe just maybe can function normally today.
Infertility sucks. That's all I can say about it. It sucks big time.
We went to see Dr Stewart today because he said we couldn't do anything else treatment wise until we saw him. Our next step in this journey is IVF, then adoption.
Those 3 letters IVF scare me, make me nervous, make me hopeful, but more just piss me off that we have to even consider that drastic a measure to have a baby. Infertility isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, but infertility really isn't fair! I have waited long enough, I have prayed, I have asked for prayers, I have done all the meds, all the treatments, the testing, everything I am suppose to do. I followed the old wives tales I have heard that are suppose to help in conceiving... & still no baby....
There are 15 yr olds that don't know the first thing about getting pregnant, having a baby, raising a child , that have no problems getting pregnant(repeatedly), there are crack heads that have less trouble getting pregnant, people who can barley be responsible for them self & they add a baby(or babies) to the equation.
Can you tell I am just a bit bitter about this. Maybe this is why God has decided its not time yet. Clearly I have some issues I need to work out.

So back to Dr Stewart & our visit today.... Pretty much our conversation was like this...
Dr S: Good morning, do you want to discuss IVF?
John & I: Yes. (Me instantly tearing up)
DR S: let me get tissues before we start
Me: crying
Dr S: Basically we cant do anything until you loose weight.
Me: crying
Dr S: Your weight could be why you had the loss last time.
Me: crying -my heart breaks anytime the Drs bring up the miscarriage. Or course this means the water works also are in full force.
Dr S: explaining the IVF procedure & the risk involved with me being over weight.
Then telling me that if I was to get pregnant that my health & the babies health could be at risk. Which could cause a c-section, which could mean even more risks.
Me: crying
Dr S: I suggest Lap band surgery to help with you loosing weight.
Me: crying
Dr S: Do you have any questions?
Me : crying, shook my head no
John: asked a few questions, but it was all kind of a blur to me. I was really just numb.

I knew this was what was going to happen today. I knew it would be loose weight or its just not going to happen, was going to come out of his mouth.

I am angry. At myself for ignoring my weight for so long & not doing something about it sooner. Angry at the Drs for not discussing this with us sooner rather than waiting for so many months of IUI's to hit me with reality.
I dont want to even consider Lap Band. John & I have been to a seminar about it(he has been to several) & it just isnt something I am willing to consider. I would rather work harder & loose slower with weight watchers & do that the rest of my life than be restricted to eating 4 bites of food(certain foods) for the rest of my life.
So I am going to enjoy thanksgiving then go back to weight watchers sign up again, dust off & use my $1300 treadmill in my basement, & loose the weight the Dr wants me to loose.
Failing isnt an option this time.

So my goal is to loose weight & deal with some of the anger issues have related to the infertility. Not sure still how to deal with the anger side of all this but I have to do something. Its taking over & I am tired of being angry & fat.

2 wks... ?

Ellie enjoying the park! She has the best blue eyes!

Everybody loves a Nikon girl!

Ever seen a cuter pink poodle?

The Browns Fall Family photo

Has it really been 2 wks since I last posted? Wow.

I have been busy taking pictures its been so much fun! Thanks to friends who put up with me taking lots & lots of pictures I think I am getting better at this.

Its taking less time editing, they may still not be perfect but they look good to me & to the "clients". I have even gotten a few compliments from some of the girls that are pro on the snap happy site. (Thanks Ladies!) I so want to be like them some day, getting compliments from them is awesome!

I have several things lined up in the next few weeks... more photos, I have to get these birthday invitations out(J they are almost done I promise!) and Christmas... its coming & I have 9 cards stamped so far! UGH... I need a vacation so I can catch up with my hobbies!

Finally Friday!

I am so so so thankful that friday is finally here. Better yet I am off tomorrow!!!
I have been sick for nearly a week. Not sick to the point that I cant function so I really shouldnt complain. However I am going to, my throat hurts from coughing so hard last night. It seems like any meds I take only lasts an hour & then I am coughing again.
I am tired from being awake most of the night coughing, so my plan tonight while I am home alone because John is at school is to go upstairs, curl up in my new jammies & watch hours of All My Children! (I have 4 months of AMC on DVR just for days like this!)

Then tomorrow since John will be in school, I am going to sleep as late as I can, then when I wake up I hope that some magic fairy has taken this stupid cough away to a far away land!
I need to stamp & take some pictures so the cold/flu fairy needs to come get this junk & take it somewhere else! Im done with it!

Goodnight!

Rain??AGAIN??

I am sick of rain. We are suppose to have another storm this afternoon we have had several since Sat. & I am tired of it.
That is something I didnt miss when I lived in Az. Crappy weather.

I am sick so my mood is just as crappy as the weather... I just want to sleep. I dont want to do anything but curl up in my jammies & go take a nap.

In better news.....
I gave "the bride" the pictures yesterday & she loved them! So that was exciting.
Now just to get the CD to her.... which I forgot at home today- darnit!

where does time go??

Its October .... not only is it October... its October 15th... October is half over. Halloween is on its way, then Thanksgiving & before we know it Christmas & then 2007 will soon be over.... Where has this year gone so fast...?

So really I am not blogging to ask why time flies when we are having fun but to say I have been having fun. I did my first "real" photography job last week. This was suppose to be a free learning experience for friends at church. Well they paid me. I was shocked but after all was said & done I earned it! Weddings are a TON of work. I have lots of fun photos I havent shared them with the newlyweds yet because they have been on their honeymoon... so there is just one for now. ENJOY!

*photos on this blog are property of puhakphotography* do not copy

Stampers!?!?The best event of the year is tomorrow!

Purchase from Impress (Seattle!)

Amuse (Seattle)

Stampers! (Victoria Canada)

Love Monkey Rubber Stamps, I took this picture the day before I went to the store to shop, they were closed that day so we went back the next & I forgot to take a pic of the stuff I got there... now its all mixed in with everything else I got!

stamps from Amuse (a Seattle purchase!)

Amuse but purchased at Impress...

SU

Impress (I LOVED this store! It was my favorite in Seattle)

This was made of all scraps! It turned out cute! The Sassy stamp was purchased in Washington state but I cant remember where!?!? The picture was taken of the card inside a clear envelope so its shiny..

SU... a little stickles on the tips on the flowers & liquid glass on the petals... turned out cute!

I am so excited.. tomorrow is Harvest stamp convention! I cant wait... I do hope it is better than last year but in any case I am excited for it! I have been very busy since returning from vacation... I had lots of pictures to sift thru, i havent even opend photoshop yet but I have most of them loaded to snapfish.

I have been stamping A BUNCH!(can you tell from the pictures of the cards!?! ) I got all kinds of fun new stamps while on my trip & my SU order came in right before I left so I have had lots to keep me busy!

I will post my thoughts on the convention later this weekend... maybe

Blogging from Canada....day 4

We are on day 4 of our vacation our last day in Victoria BC Canada. Its a lovely place. Gorgeous flowers (everywhere) cute little shops, (everywhere) coffee shops(everywhere- seriously, these folks like their coffee)

Yesterday we took the ferry from Port Angeles, WA USA acrossthe water to Victoria BC Canada. It was a fun trip, a bit cold, but still fun. I hoped to see whales but no such luck. Took lots of pictures (over 500 so far)

We met Darth Vader who knew he was Canadian?? :)

We also saw a living bronze scultpture but I am not sure how the pictures turned out yet.

Found a great stamp store outta just pure luck, we were eating dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory(one of my favorite places) looking at the Victoria visitors guide, when I found an add for Stampers! It was a "brilliant" store... I have heard that word more in the 2 days we have been here in Canada than I have in my 32 yrs in the US! No pics of the store, we made it there with about 15 minutes to sshop before they closed, we had to rush to get in & out so I didnt take the camera in.

Today we went to Butchart Gardens, amazing. I have never seen so many pretty flowers. I took tons of pics there but havent loaded them yet. We also went to Butterfly Gardens. Another amazing place. Its not as big as I expected but its fun. Lots of butterflies, we were lucky enough to see some that only live 3-5 days once they emerge from the cacoon, they emgered this morning. They were HUGE. I will post those pics later... Well off to write post cards... Next update from Seattle coming soon! :)